Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
walkin home..,.jsut saw the cheshire cat
watch out for the queen of hearts
fuucck i forgot ab her
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
Y'know, "Class cancelled because Professor is stuck in Mexico," is not something I expected in college. Let alone, "Professor is stuck in Mexico, AGAIN."
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
Hah no, But it might feel like water boarding to my soul
I dont think getting to 3rd base with a girl you barely know is the type of memory they had in mind when they named the park "memorial park"
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
The last thing I remember was naked hot tub and taking a shot and using the hot tub water as a chaser. Not acceptable.
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
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