I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
You taught me that having a dip while u shit is awesome. I appreciate u for that
$22.99 left in the bank til payday = 3($7 jack & coke) + 2($0.89 T-Bell taco) + $0.21 in case of emergency.
math is fun
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
Although, I did get to see a Raiders fan and his toothless girlfriend get roughed up by the police and dragged out of the stadium. So the night wasn't a total loss.
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
He was having Sex and you yelled 'hot and dangerous!" and he responded with "if you're one of us then roll with us!" when he went to he bathroom I saw her getting dressed, looking mortified.
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
well at least you didn't have your nipples chewed last night
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
I just walked in on her masturbating to a social anxiety video...
Randomize
