at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
I just dry heaved the smell of jagerbombs....which proceeded to make me hurl for real.
Fact: Godrick looks like David Archuleta
he's dressed up as pikachu 3 fucking years in a row and gotten laid each time. i don't understand
If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
There are Vine videos that have lasted longer than he did
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
Just found a rebirth in peppermint schnapps. May be able to stay up all night and finish this paper after all. MERRY CHRISTMAS
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
Booze, boobs, blunts and batman. dude, I'm livin' the life.
I'm going to start talking to Bill again, he has friends with boats which means we'll get to go on boats.
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