Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
Oh, and also, a couple of straight girls showed up. But they ran away.
Also I feel that I would be a hell of a sled dog operator.
he wouldnt let me in bed until i took off all the stickers i was covered in
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
I just lived through a real life episode of jersey shore.
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