You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
Dude i was hungover i didnt know she was in the shower, she screamed i screamed we all screamed and i just so happend to piss in the shower.
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
Today one of my patients offered me pot brownies. Medical school worth it. Living the dream.
Awesome. I did a rain go away dance. And it went away. Nbd just cotrollin the weather with my mind and sweet dance moves
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
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