a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
There's people holding up abortion signs everywhere. I guess the people of Florida want you to remember you fucked up on Spring Break.
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
He washed his dick in my kitchen sink after sex. I think he might be a keeper.
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
We had sex then laid in his bed eating chocolate and drinking juice boxes. I think I'm going to keep him around.
Randomize
