I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
driving around with you guys listening to the beach boys made me very concious of how white you all are.
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
Dude, naked camping ALWAYS takes precedence. I would skip my own funeral to go naked camping.
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
He tripped and fell all the way to the ground and then stood right back with out spilling a drop of his 3/4 full glass of rum and coke. It was like watching something from the matrix
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
we didn't have sex though. because i have the will power of an ox.
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
her nickname was handjob. I knew what i was getting into.
Randomize
