dude on moped wearing crocs...somebody get this guy his man card back
She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
I just made $100 from people paying me not to get naked at the party... I need those P90X dvds
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
we are currently pregaming for our walk to the liquor store.
step one: admitting you have a problem. complete.
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
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