its like randi wears special contacts, but instead of colors they make her eyes say "I want cock"
I dk what to do with this kid he is like legitimately interested in my life.
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
I had to do a class evaluation today & the girl beside me didn't fill in any bubbles she just wrote in huge letters RETIRE across the whole sheet
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
You climbed into the Suite next to us at the game so you could steal the half eaten hot dog someone had left on the table. That high.
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
We need to catch up immediately. I took ecstasy and made out with carrot face this weekend.
I think this is the first time I heard a lesbian version of baby it's cold outside.
Randomize
