He just told me his cousin just died and I look like her. Reconsidering the sex.
You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
herpes texted me again. he says he wants my vagina.
ok we should really consider changing this guys nickname...
she both took care of me and took advantage of me. it was BEAUTIFUL.
come help me. im curled up in the fetal position on the upper floor of the lib. please bring more caffeine or alcohol
its ok. its hell week the lib is a no judgment zone right now
announcing that you were the mayor of bjtown got their attention.
That was like me applying to a law school drunk at 5 am
Hahaha. That's funny.
But I got an 18k dollar per year scholarship
Any recommendations for how to tell your wife about the pics of her 19 yr old sister on a porn site without admitting you were surfing said porn site?
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
How... how did you get Adam Lambert's shoes? Does he know you have them? DID YOU STEAL ADAM LAMBERT'S SHOES?! Oh my God I am so turned on right now.
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
Randomize
