Yeah. He most definitely jizzed himself in the face.
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
I think anything that happens between 12 and 2 am is just sketchy enough to be a good idea.
We just left the shoe. An app card to Fridays. $25 to santoras and a note that said sorry we were drunk on the front doorstep of the strip club
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
He spilled some of his beer on your shoulder then proceeded to lick it off. By the face you made, I don't know if you were completely horrified or really turned on.
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
