in a basement doing blow off a prince dvd next to a chick in a saddam mask
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
I don't think child baring hips is a compliment.
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
Fran... I put my tongue in somebody's gage hole last night.
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
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