and pubic hair rears its ugly head again
just thinking about him makes my vagina shudder.
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
high moment I think I just reached personal nirvana
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
Is is gay if I donloaded Grinder to see if my roommate is gay?
There was pot, but there are no Doritos, no Funyons, no Oreos.
Send help.
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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