I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
Chasing shots by shotgunning beers is not a good idea.
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
I don't know what happened. His phone, shirt, shoes, and the condom wrapper are here but he isn't. I don't even know how to get a hold of him right now
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
I just want someone to put their head on my boobs and laugh at my jokes ....
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
We walked 3 miles to the strip club. Stopped for roadies, it wasn't that bad.
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
Randomize
