I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
Operation Purity has been aborted
i don't even remember going to get food. i think i got gas too.
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
Drunk. The frashmen love me. Give them. Toilrt paper. And shiots
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
At least I look tastefully trashed. My nipples are hidden and I'm standing up.
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
Randomize
