how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
worms taste like bacon by the way.
I always wondered what they tasted like.
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
we hate each other therefore the sex is mindblowing
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
There is a special place in Hell for whichever one of you put Ben Gay on my dildo. It was a very uncomfortable April 1.
Ramen still too hot to eat. Eating it anyway. Stoner girls feel no pain
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
You know Sunday Funday was a success when 'puke and rally' came at lunchtime on Monday.
Shriek
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
Randomize
