I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
dipping my christmas cookies in kaluha. santa would be proud.
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
My friend and I just coined a new term. OBJ. The obligatory blow job. You totally know what I'm talking about.
Like if he goes down on you first, or you just don't want to bone him yet. OBJ.
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
I was watchin a porno and I sware I saw that dude at the bar at applebees the other night
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
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