so after morning sex, she rolled a joint and turned on sports center
you might have found the rare bro goddess. i thought they were myth
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
we will now reference it as "the infamous double dick night"
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
Randomize
