Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
he was persistant. I supposedly owe him a bj from high school.
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
Look at my fb. It says single. That's the gospel.
God he's so convenient, drugs, an parties all in one person. He's like the Walmart of delinquency.
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
I woke up and they were watching power rangers in japanese so I just found my bra and left
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
I've just had two stress filled days in a row , I'm just going to shower and await your penis
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
I've seen your dick too many times for both of us to be straight.
Randomize
