remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
the only time it's appropriate to sing In The Air Tonight by Phils Collins is while sake bombing at Cal Beach
um or while having sex on a train
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
I really couldn't tell if she was disgusted with the fact that I yacked on her shoes, or if she was about to do the same to me.
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
Question: would Brian be pissed if I brought his 17 year old sister as my date to the wedding?
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
My Dicks been hard all day. Poor guy isn't used to vacation being over
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
