You know how britney does the hair flip too much in her new videos? Thats me right now
If this place produced love children they would be born wearing Lilly Pullitzer with raging coke addictions.
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
Would nail polish remover take gorilla glue off my nipples? We had a strange night.
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
BUT YOU MUST FINISH YOUR QUEST
TO FIND THE HOLY GRAIL
AND GET DRUNK OFF YOUR ASS BY DRINKING OUT OF IT
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
I can't handle more than one dick at once. I become crazy. It's hard to be mellow and free spirited and polygamous at the same time.
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
Dude you where on that lil kids bike at 2 am ridin down the turning lane wearing only socks and a helmet singing born to be wild, no you weren't that fucked up
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