My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
The Ex's are trying to talk to the GF. Game face bro.
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
I don't remember... but I heard a cop threatened to pepper spay my dick
Say whatever you bloody well like; you don't know the true meaning of life until you have smoked to a Sade cd.
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
Our first time hooking up was on New Years and we've managed to hook up every holiday since, I'm hoping this lasts until 2016 just to fulfill my American Holiday sex fantasy I never knew I had
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
Damn that sucks I haven't needed pants the whole time i've been here
the twins are trying to figure out which one is the one doing body shots off a janitor in this picture
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
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