Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
And I was like "take off the damn flower crown, we're about to have sex not post an indie picture on tumblr"
why not an indie porn pic then
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
So...I maybe walked across campus last night with my life size Joe Biden cut out.
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
Randomize
