I tried ok? my penis just doesnt like her as much as my mother does
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
nothing like walking down the street with a garbage bag of puke trying to find a dumpster
We are NOT roofying him just to get him to pass out so we can build a masive snow cock in his yard.
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
Randomize
