Is that you in the white hat?
Fine suit yourself
I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
im not sure. I kicked him in the ear last night trying to kick a plastic cup off his head to prove I can kick higher than anyone.
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
Is it still sex if there's no nudity, no orgasms, but the neighbors bang on the wall and ask you to stop? I've honestly forgotten.
Randomize
