Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
Yeah he is here but I can't let him know I am until he has like 30 min worth of drinks. so when he see me he isn't like "omg ew,NO!"
I have so much to learn from you, wise slut
He ate me out and then left in a hurry and shouted "Sorry to dine and dash" as he left my house
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
I don't think he knows you can have sex sober...
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
we live vicariously through your huge boobs
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
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