Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
Yeah! Just remind me to. I'll also bring the blow up penis
Jesus tap dancing Christ rock out with your cock out is supposed to be just an expression. And even if it weren't no one wants pics bro.
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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