My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
I don't know at least half of his name. I have officially become a statistic.
this is you don't wonder off at 3 am with no pants on. Just stay there and pray to god you don't get arrested for being on school property.
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
I will always remember that night by waking up in that tablecloth the next morning
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
Is it sad to eat a candy bra by yourself?
Yea she is hot. But she also had no toothpaste in her entire apartment.
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
im tired of guys just wanting to hook up with me. im like, guys, i know im pretty and i have a slammin bod and i love making out, but cant someone treat me with respect??
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
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