I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
Half my make-up was stuck to his thigh where I'd fallen asleep after the blowjob.
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
They put 3 tbs of cinnamon in vodka shots and called it the "cinnamon death challenge"
I have tan lines from my nipple rings.
Well we went from the roof to the stairwell to an air mattres. One day were going to fuck in a bed
No other way to put this but the dick was not worth him crying for an hour after. No more online hookups.
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
Randomize
