There's a vagina buried somewhere in there.
After watching Cinemax for a few months, real porn just grosses me out.
I have started doing my homework in bars. It just feels right.
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
Depending on which video of him streaking you watch, you can see me passed out in the front row.
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
I AM STRANGELY AROUSED BY THIS UNEXPECTED DEVELOPMENT AND I AM COMPLETELY OK WITH THIS.
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
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