U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
Kinda felt bad though cuz she whimpered and shuttered a lot, i felt like i was kicking a puppy, only the puppy liked it and came a bunch
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
Nobody is here, I still yelled for someone to make me some toast. That my dear is commitment to doing nothing.
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
Did i tell you that he's legal and i got his number? Because he's legal and i got his number. THIS BITCH AIN'T GOING TO JAIL YET
I think I just cured my dogs munchies
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
Bringing my mom Taco Bell and weed. I'm such a good daughter
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
so he found out i have him as "average size" in my phone. fair to say we arnt going to be dating anymore
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