Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
I guess the study abroad went badly, I gave him a joint and he just smoked it and cried all the way from the airport
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
he just exposed your dildo usage to the table.
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
Come to my place after work and we can discuss our finances over a coors delight and a fire ball shot
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
Randomize
