I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
wait, how does the 20 year old one night stand pregnant girl have a superiority complex?
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
All I heard was "sit on my face" "okay" and muffled screaming. I'm still disappointed.
Randomize
