wanna go halves on a baby?
i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
Swine flu is the new snow day.
i asked him how he could stand the smell of skunk. his answer was "it smells like good weed"...
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
just peed on the 7/11 floor and casually left. Omg so drunk
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
The only thing that was weird was that it WASN'T weird when she got out of the shower and saw me blowing him.
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
I think if I send him enough nudes, he will buy my plane ticket.
Just stalked the girl I hooked up with last night's boyfriend. He seems nice, I approve.
Randomize