Porn is love you can see.
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
The foreigner finally woke up and the first thing he did was look up a map of the u.s. His destination is to pennsylvania.
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
Its only fair we share our golden vaginas with the world. It would be selfish if we didn't.
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
she gave me head while wearing a sombrero and told me it was her "welcome to south of the border" blowjob. i am never leaving mexico.
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
the only thing I remember was some guy took out his fake eye to use it for beer pong
just wanted to eat pizza off his dick so he let me and he can never forget it
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
Randomize
