There is no way to make a throwing up smiley so just picture it....
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
She got a text from her mom saying "you better not sleep with him, we all know how he is". IV ONLY BEEN HERE A WEEK
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
I'VE CAME 4 TIMES TODAY. I AM AS DRY AS THE SAHARA, STOP YOUR WHINING.
then he grabbed my tit and yelled "FOR NARNIA!!" then dove into my vag. i think I will do him again strictly for the entertainment value
We joked about how funny it would be if he got pulled over with 300 breakfast burritos in hus car. We walk outside of the school just as the police lights turn on and pull him over
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
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