I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
watching a depressing episode of spongebob while high is the most depressing thing i have ever experienced
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
Idk. Im in a bed. the walls are wood. There's a deer mount.. im afraid to turn over and see who's next to me but he's violently cuddly.
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
If you've never been pounded by an Eastern European body builder, I would highly recommend it.
I just threw up all of my lunch in the Barnes & Nobles parking lot. Rockbottom tastes like a veggie burger, in case you were wondering.
I know what I want to do this Friday. However, it might end in me getting kicked out of an arcade and a mini golf course.
All that stuff they told us in middle school about drugs being easy to find was a bullshit lie.
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
Damn that brownie almost kicked my ass. I'm not sure if my flight home lasted 10 minutes or 10 days..
well true... there's not a real discreet way to masturbate in public
Randomize
