sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
even my farts smell like vagina
my affection for youporn is starting to get disturbing... i just thought about sending them a christmas card
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
He came in asked for the bathroom and came out 10 minutes later dripping wet took his redbull and left.
I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome.
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
Operation: 12 Dick pics of Christmas was a sweeping success, thanks for asking!
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
Randomize
