if i wake u up at 5am tmrw by coming into ur room wearing nothing but my indiana jones hat and purple socks while singing 'courtesy of the red white + blue' will u be pleased or annoyed
keep in mind this isn't open to negotiation, i'm just trying to gauge ur reaction
yes because when i jack off the first person i think about is christina applegate
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
the cop cuffed us all with 40's still taped to our hands
hr gave me pretxwk salad and a doubke shot of grey goose. i approve! tou guys are a beautidil couple.
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
I vote we get high and sneak off to McDonald's to get mcflurries.
YES. ALL MY YES.
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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