I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
I'm youtube-ing children's choirs. Am I adorable? Or am I a child predator?
Predator. Straight up.
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
I just saw a guy walking up the stairs with his dick out his pants. I let him know, and he just looked down in shock, laughed, and continued walking up the stairs.
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
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