So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
no you cant smoke seaweed
Do you know any thirteen year old jewish kids? I'm looking for a party.
I could see myself reflected in his wedding band as i was going down on him.
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
Indeed. The kind of morning where puking in someone's shoes is not frowned upon
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
You climbed on top of the bar, shotgunned a 25oz fosters and screamed, Steve Irwin was a God amongst men.
I spent half an hours grinding with a drunk Harry Potter cosplayer at the con rave. Pretty sure I felt his wand.
The most adult decision I've mad today was Jameson or Fireball? It's been a successful Day
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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