I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
there were more penises there than on chat roulette
He looked at me like he has never had a girl throw up on him before.
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
The man was doing everything in his power to get away from his wife, including go into the gay club.
I got inside last night via doggy door
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
His dick isn't even good enough to be this much of an asshole
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
Randomize
