sometimes i look at this picture of your cock before i go to sleep, there's something comforting about it
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
You said, "can you make out with him for a little bit, I need a break."
He was with one girl when I went to bed, wad with another when I woke up and now he just told me he was with a 3rd in-between last night and this morning. Jesus Christ.
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
I'm excited for him and his new girlfriend. I'm just going to miss his penis is what I'm saying.
She ripped her shorts off and yelled "VAGINA TIME!"
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
Because of you I can never eat chicken nuggets without thinking of you fucking him. I hope youre happy. I really do.
Randomize
