whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
Another day, another engagement, another cat
Did we smoke in a portapotty last night? And if so, do you think the brown stuff covering my body is actually dirt?
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
Like if it it's practical for your sexual health I'm allergic to it AKA REGULAR CONDOMS
Woke up at noon, still drunk, naked, with another girl next to me. When she wakes up, I'm gonna have my SECOND lesbian experience with her. How's your 2015 going?
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
It wasn't until after we began having sex again the next morning I realized I didn't know his name.
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
Randomize
