I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
I may do that, fyi I'm even more sore than I was yesterday. It's like the ghost of your dick is still inside me.
& he told me 'I don't think ur a big slut-just kind of an average slut'
HE THINKS THATS A COMPLIMENT!!!!!
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
He kept referring to my giving him head as a new level in our relationship and acting sentimental
You gave him a bj, not a kidney
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
My mum just told me to stop being so pathetic and just find someone to have sex with, even if I don't like them, just be grateful for the sex. Wow.
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Randomize
