Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
Meghan got a job at the bar. We're now morally obligated to drink. Is this what dreams are made of?
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
No no this isn't that fun. I'm alone drinking wine and me and the dogs ran out of things to talk about around 9 am.
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
Randomize
