I got so high last night I started crying because i couldn't stop thinking about how scary space is
does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
I'm spoon feeding myself tequila for breakfast, should we skip class today?
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
Sorry I got completely naked in your bed, but I feel our friendship has grown because of it.
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
Randomize
