Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
He was dressed in cheap leather and smelled like death.
It's American, baby! There ain't nothin gross about America.
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
I really think that guy just walks around with tennis balls in his pocket. No dick is that big
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
I didn't think four grown drunk men could cuddle on a twin size bed, but we found a way.
The 4th is next week. If we don't get to a new level of high, we will be letting down George Washington.
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
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