can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
A disheveled girl in front of me just looked down, shrieked, and yelled to the girl next to her "what is this" while pointing at two large white stains near the crotch of her black jeans. I love that Thursdays are weekends, it makes awesome Friday mornings
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
I took my exam the next day still drunk and failed, but I kno for a fact that I filled in the bubbles for my name perfectly
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
Woke up to the frozen soundtrack blasting in the living room best one night stand ever
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
Randomize
