The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
we're at Rob's house and just invented the best drinking game ever....we are on Chatroulette and everytime we see a dick we all have to drink.
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
Making a me burrito to ward off the cold...and the aloneness of my vagina
either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
Randomize
