They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
Life is so much better after having sex.
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
i dont want to stoop that low. but my dick does.
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
KETAMINE SUNDAYS ARE SERIOUSLY FUCKING ME UP!
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
Strip club for my birthday. And none of this discrimination shit. We're going to a guys one and girls one. Go get your singles.
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
I CAN SPEAK THE LANGUAGE OF THE ANIMES.
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
Randomize