My underwear smells like fireworks.
Spotted at kelly concert- 10 year old in a homemade "I do not hook up" t shirt. Well I should certainly hope not, sweetheart.
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
Coming out of the blackout mid beej was nice. Seeing her face was not.
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
Sex while Star Warsing is the best
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
Say thank you and give him a blowjob.
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