I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
Yeah, we spent most of the evening making fun of the drunk girl until we realized it was you.
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
REAL PEOPLE DRINK 3 BEERS ALONE WILL WATCHING THE LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
I petted my head, told my hair it felt beautiful and needed to be let free. Then pulled out my pony tail. Cheers to weed. I lose.
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
Sadly, she's the porn star that got away
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
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