I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
On the bright side, at least we arent the generation raised by fucked up teen moms.
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
I called for backup and had two guys carry him to the shower. The bigger guy offered to wash his hair.
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
I just threw up all of my lunch in the Barnes & Nobles parking lot. Rockbottom tastes like a veggie burger, in case you were wondering.
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
Cover your peen. We're going out.
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
I FOUND A VIBRATOR IN MY BABY BROTHERS ROOM. IM FREAKIN OUT MAN ITS BIGGER THEN MINE
put it back and chill out ok
NO FUCK HES 15 WHO EVEN SOLD HIM THAT HES A BABY
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
Randomize
